Hypocrisy

Dear Fash,

This occurred to me: we’re all hypocrites.

As much as people label me as nice, I really am not. I claim that I don’t like talking behind people’s backs, but I do, all the time. I just went to Emma and told her about Ireland’s (what I would like to call) ‘mini hissy fit’.

A classic behavioural trait of Ireland is that he doesn’t take feedback well when they aren’t positive, so when he voiced his opinion on how things should be free since we only live one life and got a discussion which resulted in his opinions being questioned and picked on, he wasn’t a happy bunny. The problem was, no one was saying that he was stupid for having such an opinion – that is his opinion, fair enough. So why he got annoyed when people started questioning his thoughts I don’t know, but you’d expect him to be able to support his theory or take the opinions and criticisms of others respectfully, after all, it is only a discussion/debate.

So anyway, when I spoke to Emma about it, I felt guilty for even talking about it because I like to pride myself for being a person that doesn’t bitch behind others back, and also because a lot of me fears that someone heard me and will report to Ireland about it, which is the last thing I want because it may get construed as me hating Ireland when I don’t; I’ve always maintained that he’s a good friend and that I love him loads even though he often makes me feel shitty or annoys me.

But yes, this incident made me realise that I am a hypocrite, and so is everyone else (unless there is and I’m not aware that amongst us lives a living, breathing saint), and since everyone is a hypocrite, I should be less upset with myself for ranting/bitching/speaking (whatever you want to label it) to Emma about Ireland and just accept the fact that I do have issues with him at times and so does he about me even though we don’t tell each other about it upfront.

So, let us all embrace hypocrisy in our lives!

Your fave asian

 

 

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The sun mirrored my heart

Dear Fash,

The sun was out in all it’s glory today and it was wonderful, everyone was out catching the light rays, everyone was dressed in their summer clothes and the queue for ice-cream was the longest it’s been in the past year that I’ve been in Lancaster!

For once (in a very very long time), the brightness and happiness of the sun wasn’t paradoxical to my feelings, but it mirrored my happiness. Since Ireland returned (refer to the previous post) it’s been rough, it has consisted of me feeling left out and unwanted because either everyone is speaking to Ireland or is engaged in their own conversations, if not Ireland is focused on everyone else and is passive towards me (unless we’re alone). So it has hurt loads, but there was a silver lining as I finally got to catch up with some girls from home over ice-cream and it was lovely because I finally got the chance to be the girl that I knew myself to be before I left Singapore for England – loud, chatty, thoughtful, funny and honest. I spent a good few hours catching up with the girls and sharing the thoughts and questions that I couldn’t have possibly told my flatmates without feeling that they don’t care for what I have to say, and it was an amazing thing to feel that I mattered again, and more importantly to feel like the old me again.

You may question why I say that I felt like the old me, and you may wonder then what is the girl you got to know during your time at Ellesmere. Well, luckily for you Fash, you got to know the real me, and that’s because you made it known to me that you cared for what I had to say or what I felt even where we have had our disputes over matters. Whereas with the other girls in Ellesmere and with my flatmates, I felt that they would listen, but brush it aside and ignore me. I know that I can’t blame them for doing that though, because I over-think everything and worry about everything 99% of the time, oh and not forgetting that my sense of humour is on a completely different level of stratosphere to theirs, so that automatically would put them off from speaking to me. So my coping mechanism was not to speak but to listen, and to smile instead of frown, but it soon became that I ended up becoming quiet and upset, which was the opposite of what I was, because I trained myself to hold back the real me to fit in which backfired because I still have ended up quite friendless after Ellesmere, and now soon to be Lancaster.

So in these moments where the sun mirrors my happiness and not mocks my sadness, I will remember and appreciate that I get to laugh the hearty laughter that I used to laugh and think the thoughts I used to think and share them freely with my friends without a care in the world. But, in these moments, I also keep in mind the wonderful people that I have met so far during my stay in England, whom have been so helpful and kind to me in my down moments and appreciate that despite my bitterness and pessimism, that they too have been there to support me, although not in the ways I wish that they would. Ultimately, I also hold on to the idea that maybe someday I will regain the old me and have the confidence to share it in this different culture and be loved for it.

This has been a lengthy post, but I hope that it has made sense to you as much as it makes sense to me. I’m hoping that you’re having a lovely April and I miss you loads!

Your fave asian

The luck of the Irish

Dear Fash,

From my previous posts you’re now aware that I have had jealousy problems with a certain someone in my flat, for the convenience of this post and all future posts regarding him, I’ll name him ‘Ireland’, simply because he is Irish.

Ireland quite obviously has the luck of the Irish – he’s ridiculously popular and steals the limelight from me. So, my life can be quite shit with him around because I’ve got the luck of the majority i.e. I feel that I don’t get the attention that I want about 90% of the time that I’m within a 5km radius of Ireland, which is what most of us human beings feel anyway, so its perfectly normal.

So anyway, the whole reason why I’m blogging about Ireland is because my jealousy started to surface again. I had genuinely thought that my jealousy problems had gone away ever since I spoke to him about it, but it turns out that it hasn’t. These emotions surfaced when one of my third years told me that she texted Ireland to ask when he was coming back to uni because they were going to have a night out and wanted to know whether he’d join, and oh my god that stung so much because (and obviously) I had absolutely no clue that the rest of the flat were going out, no one had told me or invited me. So hearing it first hand that he had personally been invited really hurt. Never mind that,  what hurt more was hearing my third year say that she missed him. I understand, I miss him too even though he makes me feel jealous and upset about my shitty life, but hearing that made me feel as though the rest of the flat wouldn’t ever miss me if I were to disappear.

Looking at what I’ve just written, it shocks and saddens me to say that I don’t just think these thoughts, but that I believe it, and to believe that I’m not loved or wanted by my peers – albeit normal – is a stupid and awful thing to feel.

So I can only hope that these feelings sought themselves out because I don’t want to live my life believing that I suck and have no friends, because that’s just silly when I obviously have friends i.e. you, because if I didn’t then I wouldn’t have started this blog – it’s entitled ‘Dear Fash’ for a reason!

So don’t feel alone in this struggle of wanting to feel wanted! It’s normal, even I feel it, it just takes time to grow out of it, I’m hoping!

Much love,

Your fave Asian

 

 

 

I’M BORED

Dear Fash,

As you would already know, I’m bored.

It’s not that I don’t have any work to do, I do, but I just am sick and tired of law and words and my room and law.

In my boredom and procrastination, I have revisited Justin Bieber at 12 before he even hit puberty, and I reminisced to the days where he needed “somebody to love” and a “baby”. Oh, those days where I was still so young and without exams, those were the days.

Now though, Justin has been in relationships and been through hardships and therefore has matured and he feels like he needs to say “sorry” for his mistakes, and he’s also questioning a lot of things more because you know, “what do you mean”? More importantly, the most defining moment in his maturity the fact that he encourages everyone to “love themselves” which is indeed so very true! We do need to love ourselves, because loving ourselves means that we appreciate ourselves for what we are, and maybe when we do, we’d be less upset with ourselves and we’ll see and understand that “life is worth living”!

Now wouldn’t that be wonderful!

In addition to emotionally loving yourself, I feel so ever very strongly that loving yourself means feeding yourself especially since food makes the world go round!

I love food, and I’m going to make myself dinner now, even though it’s only 5:18pm because, I want to eat food, even though I don’t know what I’m actually going to specifically eat.

Okay, I shall end here!

Much love,

Your fave asian!

 

 

 

 

 

Easter

Dear Fash,

Sorry for the lack of updates, I don’t have an excuse as to why that is so but I’m back anyway!

Lent season has now passed and Jesus has again risen from the dead and given us a fresh start (if I’m not wrong). So how are you going to start afresh?

Over lent, I attempted to give up alcohol and chocolate, both attempts being very unsuccessful but for different reasons. Giving up chocolate was hard because I do love a good chocolate bar on a stressful day, and I quite easily succumbed to the temptation. However, it was a different case with alcohol.

You know me, I’m not big on drinking, I tend to lean towards binge eating and watching soaps in my bed. So during the season of lent, I thought, that would be such an easy thing to give up, but it proved difficult right from the start because my flatmates had a big night out and I opted not to go  least I get tempted into drinking, so I stayed in. The second time round, three of us went out and I successfully did not drink, it was a good night but the experience was slightly painful because being sober in a nightclub filled with plenty of drunk people wasn’t all that fun (for reasons that I’m sure you yourself can understand). After that, friends from all places kept talking about going out and I had to turn them down because I wasn’t drinking. But that soon changed one fateful Saturday night after going to a house party with my seminar mates (law squad goals) and I decided that I was going to break my promise to God and drink, and everything went downhill from that point onwards.

But yes, the temptation to drink was greater than the temptation to eat chocolate because I linked alcohol to my social life. Drinking seemed to be the outlet for conversation and friendship so I decided against God, the only one person/thing that would never forget or leave me, for people whom in a blink of an eye could suddenly turn on me.

But the bigger picture is that it shows that I too (quite like you), very much wants to be included in things, I want to feel wanted and part of a group/clique. It’s a very normal thing in life to feel like that, I felt like that throughout my years in Ellesmere, and I still feel this desire to be wanted even now that I’m in uni! It’s an awful feeling but then the saving grace in this giant ball of mess is that you already have friends that love you and will be there for you when you need them, even if you don’t text or see them everyday! Also, friends come and go, so even though you worry about being left out now, in the near future, more amazing people will come into your life to fill up the gaps and make you feel whole again while those who maybe aren’t so amazing will leave!

So chin up and charge the mountain Fash!

Much love,

Your fave asian!

PS I apologise for the long-winded post, I don’t have a knack for writing so I tend to waffle on a lot! But I hope the message still gets across!