The sun was out in all it’s glory today and it was wonderful, everyone was out catching the light rays, everyone was dressed in their summer clothes and the queue for ice-cream was the longest it’s been in the past year that I’ve been in Lancaster!
For once (in a very very long time), the brightness and happiness of the sun wasn’t paradoxical to my feelings, but it mirrored my happiness. Since Ireland returned (refer to the previous post) it’s been rough, it has consisted of me feeling left out and unwanted because either everyone is speaking to Ireland or is engaged in their own conversations, if not Ireland is focused on everyone else and is passive towards me (unless we’re alone). So it has hurt loads, but there was a silver lining as I finally got to catch up with some girls from home over ice-cream and it was lovely because I finally got the chance to be the girl that I knew myself to be before I left Singapore for England – loud, chatty, thoughtful, funny and honest. I spent a good few hours catching up with the girls and sharing the thoughts and questions that I couldn’t have possibly told my flatmates without feeling that they don’t care for what I have to say, and it was an amazing thing to feel that I mattered again, and more importantly to feel like the old me again.
You may question why I say that I felt like the old me, and you may wonder then what is the girl you got to know during your time at Ellesmere. Well, luckily for you Fash, you got to know the real me, and that’s because you made it known to me that you cared for what I had to say or what I felt even where we have had our disputes over matters. Whereas with the other girls in Ellesmere and with my flatmates, I felt that they would listen, but brush it aside and ignore me. I know that I can’t blame them for doing that though, because I over-think everything and worry about everything 99% of the time, oh and not forgetting that my sense of humour is on a completely different level of stratosphere to theirs, so that automatically would put them off from speaking to me. So my coping mechanism was not to speak but to listen, and to smile instead of frown, but it soon became that I ended up becoming quiet and upset, which was the opposite of what I was, because I trained myself to hold back the real me to fit in which backfired because I still have ended up quite friendless after Ellesmere, and now soon to be Lancaster.
So in these moments where the sun mirrors my happiness and not mocks my sadness, I will remember and appreciate that I get to laugh the hearty laughter that I used to laugh and think the thoughts I used to think and share them freely with my friends without a care in the world. But, in these moments, I also keep in mind the wonderful people that I have met so far during my stay in England, whom have been so helpful and kind to me in my down moments and appreciate that despite my bitterness and pessimism, that they too have been there to support me, although not in the ways I wish that they would. Ultimately, I also hold on to the idea that maybe someday I will regain the old me and have the confidence to share it in this different culture and be loved for it.
This has been a lengthy post, but I hope that it has made sense to you as much as it makes sense to me. I’m hoping that you’re having a lovely April and I miss you loads!
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