INBOUND – DAY 2&3

Dear Fash,

So here we are at the end of day 3 of the job – although in reality it’s only been two hours of working in the past three days.

Day two was alright, thankfully, I didn’t have to suffer the incessant negativities of my mind as to whether or not I’d fit in with the rest of the staff since I spent most of the day with just two people – so that was nice.

Come day three (today), the morning was quiet but that didn’t last very long seeing that I met this incredibly lovely gal who radiated joy and happiness with every breath she took. So the morning quickly livened up and I had a wonderful time chatting with her. Also, I was scheduled to do a campus tour with the students that had arrived from China, so that was lovely too seeing that they were so lovely to chat to! Dinner time was a little bit miserable since most students have now arrived because we had to queue in a massive line to wait to be served our dinner and the wait did not sit well with a hungry me at all. A hangry me aside, dinner was nice – I kept quiet throughout (typical me) since I had nothing to say/contribute into the conversation.

The whirlwind of the day came after dinner when we went to another flat to sort out some posters for an event tomorrow evening. As per, I really wanted to be able to join in the conversation and for people to see me as the fun and cool chic, but not being able to be seen as that really sucked, and quite immediately I was drawn back into the mindset that no one liked me and that I suck. Trying to pull myself out of that mindset was hard – I had to keep reminding myself that it was okay not to fit in; that there were many other groups around; and that I’m a great human being even though I can’t see it. But even those reminders weren’t enough to extinguish the fire of negativities I had.

Sigh pie, I do wonder why God decided to give me the short-straw of an excessive thinking mind and social ineptness.

Other than that, I look forward to posting more about my journey of the next three weeks!

Hope you’re well.

Much love,

your fave asian

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LUSU INBOUND – DAY 1

Dear Fash,

So all other projects aside, I’ve just begun working as a student helper on campus to assist and befriend the international students that are coming for the exchange programme with the university for the next three weeks!

I must admit, I’m nervous to be taking on this job. It’s not that I’m worried that I will mess up carrying out my duties, but I’m more afraid of loneliness for the next three weeks – in that all the other helpers will form friendships and form social groups whilst I’m not included.

Classic me.

Just this afternoon gone, I glued myself to a group of people and they’re lovely, but it felt as though that I was already going to be excluded because of the lack of conversation topics and interests and etc etc etc. Quickly these feelings developed into a fear of loneliness and then I started to panic about not having any friends and etc etc etc. (We all know where this is leading to and we don’t want to go there)

Bearing in mind, this was only two hours into the day.

Now that I’m alone in my room, nestled comfortably on the chair with my fingers furiously typing away at the keyboard, I finally feel some peace in myself, and all my worries about being alone and friendless have vanished.

But that doesn’t mean that those awful feelings won’t come back unfortunately. Just like me, I’m sure that many others feel¬†or have felt the same way as I am right now. I’d like to say at this point that this for sure isn’t a post that’s going to tell you what to do to overcome such feelings and situations, because I haven’t found the remedy for that just as yet.

Although, maybe it’s worth continuously telling yourself to stop being so scared and to always be open minded to different people and conversations and not to give up – this isn’t a solution, but it’s worth the shot – it’s better to fake positivity until you make it to being positive,¬†instead of sulking in misery and constant worry all the time.

So that’s the afternoon reflection done, and more incoming as the days and nights go bye!

Hope you’re well and having a lovely summer – the English weather recently has been absolutely lovely. Best to take advantage of it while you actually can.

Update

Just got back from pre-drinks (and dinner). It was intimidating going into a flat where there were a bunch of people that were tipsy and really friendly with one another – it felt as if I was third wheeling on a date. Anyway, during pres, I was tempted to go out because a lot of me feared that I was going to miss out on making friends/memories because I was worried that when tomorrow comes, they’d be going on about how sick their night was and suddenly become ‘bffs’ overnight whilst I was sat there not part of the fun. Yet, I also wasn’t keen on going out – a lot of me still thought that it was sad that they believed in going out as a means to become friends. Moreover, based on past experience, going out doesn’t always necessarily mean that people will think that you’re fun, people could still think that you’re just as boring and what not even if you had gone out on that sick night.

Long story short, I ended up not going out, I thought it’d made more sense to stay in and catch up on City Hunter because I do love myself a good k-drama after two ciders! More importantly, I think staying in was a good decision in ensuring that I wasn’t just doing things because I wanted to ‘fit in’ with the crowd and to be seen as one of them. As was said by Nicki Minaj in ‘The Other Woman’: “I’ll tell you what my mother told me, and these are words to live by: Selfish people live longer“.

Truly, those are words to live by. As hard as it may be to decline to follow the path that mainstream culture have created for us, it isn’t a bad thing to choose against that path and to go our own way – do what makes you happy, a happy you is a good you.

This is the end of the evening update, I shall post on day 2 tomorrow!

Much love,

your fave asian

Being alone

Dear Fash,

Quite a lot has happened since the last post: I’ve moved out of university accommodation into an actual house; and I’ve been on a holiday to Mallorca.

Moving out of halls has been one of the better things which has happened over this summer so far – I’ve finally gotten the much needed space away from people, especially from my flatmates. It’s nice to finally be away from the intensity of constantly being surrounded by individuals and to hide in the comforts of (self-imposed) solitary confinement.

More importantly, it’s nice to not be around Ireland and his posse. The constant waves of jealousy and growth of dislike towards him and his posse have definitely intensified over the course of the last few weeks and has taken a massive toll on me in that I was constantly upset over how I wasn’t getting any attention or how no one saw me as their go-to friend for anything whilst Ireland did. It sucked.

So the time to myself was well overdue and I’m basking in the comforts of being alone for this week before I start work next Friday.

In this time to myself, I don’t want to make it a priority to reflect over why I am jealous of Ireland, or on all the bad things in my life. I’m going to take this week to be selfish, to do the things which I want to do and make this week revolve around me – craving attention from my peers is silly when I can give myself all the attention I want.

So, to everyone out there who’s feeling as crappy as I am, have a break, give yourself the attention that you need/want. Self-indulgence isn’t all too bad as long as you don’t indulge yourself excessively.

Hope you’re well and alive Fash, I haven’t heard from you in ages.

Much love,

Your fave asian