So all other projects aside, I’ve just begun working as a student helper on campus to assist and befriend the international students that are coming for the exchange programme with the university for the next three weeks!
I must admit, I’m nervous to be taking on this job. It’s not that I’m worried that I will mess up carrying out my duties, but I’m more afraid of loneliness for the next three weeks – in that all the other helpers will form friendships and form social groups whilst I’m not included.
Just this afternoon gone, I glued myself to a group of people and they’re lovely, but it felt as though that I was already going to be excluded because of the lack of conversation topics and interests and etc etc etc. Quickly these feelings developed into a fear of loneliness and then I started to panic about not having any friends and etc etc etc. (We all know where this is leading to and we don’t want to go there)
Bearing in mind, this was only two hours into the day.
Now that I’m alone in my room, nestled comfortably on the chair with my fingers furiously typing away at the keyboard, I finally feel some peace in myself, and all my worries about being alone and friendless have vanished.
But that doesn’t mean that those awful feelings won’t come back unfortunately. Just like me, I’m sure that many others feel or have felt the same way as I am right now. I’d like to say at this point that this for sure isn’t a post that’s going to tell you what to do to overcome such feelings and situations, because I haven’t found the remedy for that just as yet.
Although, maybe it’s worth continuously telling yourself to stop being so scared and to always be open minded to different people and conversations and not to give up – this isn’t a solution, but it’s worth the shot – it’s better to fake positivity until you make it to being positive, instead of sulking in misery and constant worry all the time.
So that’s the afternoon reflection done, and more incoming as the days and nights go bye!
Hope you’re well and having a lovely summer – the English weather recently has been absolutely lovely. Best to take advantage of it while you actually can.
Just got back from pre-drinks (and dinner). It was intimidating going into a flat where there were a bunch of people that were tipsy and really friendly with one another – it felt as if I was third wheeling on a date. Anyway, during pres, I was tempted to go out because a lot of me feared that I was going to miss out on making friends/memories because I was worried that when tomorrow comes, they’d be going on about how sick their night was and suddenly become ‘bffs’ overnight whilst I was sat there not part of the fun. Yet, I also wasn’t keen on going out – a lot of me still thought that it was sad that they believed in going out as a means to become friends. Moreover, based on past experience, going out doesn’t always necessarily mean that people will think that you’re fun, people could still think that you’re just as boring and what not even if you had gone out on that sick night.
Long story short, I ended up not going out, I thought it’d made more sense to stay in and catch up on City Hunter because I do love myself a good k-drama after two ciders! More importantly, I think staying in was a good decision in ensuring that I wasn’t just doing things because I wanted to ‘fit in’ with the crowd and to be seen as one of them. As was said by Nicki Minaj in ‘The Other Woman’: “I’ll tell you what my mother told me, and these are words to live by: Selfish people live longer“.
Truly, those are words to live by. As hard as it may be to decline to follow the path that mainstream culture have created for us, it isn’t a bad thing to choose against that path and to go our own way – do what makes you happy, a happy you is a good you.
This is the end of the evening update, I shall post on day 2 tomorrow!
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