Since the start of term, Ireland and I have become better friends – I definitely do not hold back with my thoughts and words with him as much as I used to. We’ve reached a nice, comfortable level in our friendship, but I’m starting to wonder whether it is too comfortable of a position in our friendship.
Last year, I was unhappy because I always felt that I wasn’t good enough to be his friend, yet, now that we’ve become (better) friends, I still feel unhappy about myself – and not because I feel like I’m not good enough to be his friend, because evidently I am good enough, if not even more.
The problem lies in my god-given ability to pick out things I don’t like in people and then bitch about it for hours on end, even if they don’t even do anything to harm or annoy me. I just seem to have the knack for being a horrible person.
This fits in with Ireland because now that we’ve established some-what solid grounds for friendship, I’ve started to bitch about the smallest of things to him, it’s like the plague, I just can’t stop. What’s bad about this is that I can easily chat absolute trash about someone that has treated me as their good friend right from day one.
That surely can’t be a good thing, it’s normal to rant about your friends every once in a while, but surely it isn’t healthy to pick out something from nothing and then bitch about it non-stop.
Although, to cut myself some slack, I haven’t actually bitched. All I said was “Oh, Kat can be quite boring on a night out because she blatantly makes it obvious that she’s doing the same dance moves over and over again.” Still, for some reason this makes me feel like a horrible person – saying something negative, even in the smallest of ways can still make me feel like a bitch.
So yes, isn’t it fascinating how not having Ireland as a friend was awful in that I felt left-out, but having him as a friend has boosted my tendencies to be a bitch. I can’t ever win with myself can I.
Sending out an SOS to anyone that can help me.
your fave asian