First Loss

Dear Fash,

Something really shitty has happened, my grandmother just passed away.

A lot of me prior to her passing always felt that maybe it would be better for us all if my grandmother had passed away sooner rather than later – she was suffering from dementia and a series of health problems leaving her bed-ridden, which my grandmother (if without dementia) would not have liked at all.

It made sense to me then to think that my grandmother would be better off in heaven, and I was so sure that when the time came I would be prepared and even happier that she’s left for a better place rather than suffering in bed. I was so convinced that I would be fine when she left.

Obviously I wasn’t prepared, even in the slightest.

I spent a lot of time crying (as one would) and feeling absolutely lost. Having to cancel all my prior commitments because of the circumstances was new territory to me, and the process was awful. Part of me felt bloody annoyed that she’d chose to leave now when I’ve already had so many great plans lined up for myself. But really, I’m just angry that she even left.  But even so, she chose to go when I have three months left to my expiry date on my passport, which has added an extra burden on me for my travels back to Singapore – fuck my life.

I tried to surround myself with people, just to ease myself into the situation and it did help by taking my mind off the issue. But not taking all day to grieve resulted in the onslaught that followed my time alone in my room. I was in absolute shambles by the time it hit bed time, I was in tears and it took me forever to fall asleep. Even then, I spent most of the night half awake and half asleep. Now I’m awake and absolutely knackered and really not ready for the day to begin, let alone the rest of the week.

I’m flying home this afternoon and I honestly don’t know how I’m going to cope with nearly 20 hours of travelling without breaking into tears every now and then. Honestly wish I could be done with the grief already. It’s too tiring.

I’m just fucking tired and want the pain to be over now.

But, all hurt aside, I’m hoping that my grandmother is resting with the angels and in the hands of God – she should be given the amazing human being she is.

Much love,

your fave asian

 

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