Post ‘First Lost’

Dear Fash,

Just a continuation from my last post about my first ever proper loss of a loved one (the passing of my gran).

So, the journey home wasn’t the easiest in the slightest, although a lot of positives came from it – here’s the breakdown in point form:

  1. Got to Manchester airport ready to check-in and board the flight back to Singapore as scheduled
  2. The lady at the check-in counter flat out rejected me because my passport was not valid (my passport was three months away from expiring, and international flying regulations only will allow me to fly had my passport been six months away from expiring)
  3. Attempted to blag my way onto the flight, and failed miserably
  4. Rang my uncle, whom I then passed on to the manager on-site to again attempt to get me on the flight
  5. After which, the manager on-site told me to sort my passport out ASAP whilst she protected my ticket so that I could fly once I had a new passport
  6. Rang my uncle again, and searched for how to get a new passport within a day, and found out that I had to travel to London to get it done
  7. However, the closest appointment I could get to get a new passport would be the day after in the afternoon at 2:15pm, with a collection time of 6:15pm and then a flight (the last possible one I could get) at 9pm (meaning I had to be at Heathrow for 7pm)
  8. So, I hopped on a train to London which cost me a whopping £60 (nearly broke my heart, but it was better than the £90 that I would’ve had to pay had I not had my student discount pass with me)
  9. Got to London and had to get on the tube with my suitcase etc., which was not pleasant
  10. Did not have any data so my uncle struggled to send me the details of my hotel, and what I needed to do/prep for the appointment
  11. A lot of phone calls later, I got the address for the hotel and information on what things I needed to do
  12. Put the address into the maps app, and it took me 30 mins to get there when it should’ve taken me less than 10 mins
  13. Whilst walking, the heavens decided to open up so I spent 30 mins walking in rain, and by the time I got to the hotel, I was absolutely soaked (oh, and I desperately needed a wee too)
  14. But thank the good Lord, once I had settled myself in the room I was fine and I rang my uncle again to speak to him about the plans etc. – all good
  15. Miraculously found out that my friends were in London, so I went to meet them for dinner, after which I fell asleep peacefully in the hotel room
  16. Next morning, had breakfast and went running around Victoria to get some documents completed for my passport application, by the time I was finished I had 4 hours to spare till the appointment so I met up with my friends again
  17. Bought myself jeans from Cheap Monday in the sale for £14.20 – the original price was a whopping £70 – which made me a very happy bunny
  18. After that, I got myself back to Victoria for my appointment, and lucky for me, they let me in one hour ahead of my scheduled time
  19. Met my mum’s friend for lunch and coffee whilst waiting to collect my passport, it was a nice catch-up
  20. Collected my passport at 5pm, which was a vast improvement from the original collection time of 6:15pm (whoopie)
  21. Made a dash to the airport straight away, because the tube journey from Victoria to Heathrow isn’t the quickest
  22. Got the Heathrow to find my uncle there – he had been at the airport for 4 hours at that point. Why you ask, refer to the following point
  23. My uncle had spent all morning trying to sort my protected ticket out (remember point 5), and it turned out that BA wasn’t willing to allow me to fly from Heathrow since the original ticket was for me to fly from Manchester
  24. Shit
  25. Luckily (again), there were really nice and compassionate on-site BA managers that were willing to ignore that I hadn’t gone back to Manchester for the flight and allowed me on the next available flight out from Heathrow
  26. Lo and behold, at 7pm, I was told my the check-in desk that I was being allowed on the 7:50pm flight back to Singapore (instead of the 9pm, again praise the Lord)
  27. So I said my goodbyes and endless thank yous to my uncle and my mum’s friend, both of whom have been ever so helpful with dealing with me and the stresses of the flight and passport mishaps (all because I’m stupid and hadn’t renewed my passport on time)
  28. Rushed through customs (not really, it was painfully slow), and then to the train connection area (I flew off from terminal 5, for anyone wishing to know where I flew off from)
  29. I missed the first train connection and had to wait 5 mins for the next one, and at that point it was already 7:20, so I was pissing myself thinking that the gates would probably have closed by then, and that the staff wouldn’t let me on the plane
  30. The train finally comes, but given my twisted luck, I was only to alight at the second stop (C gates for anyone of you who can relate)
  31. Got there for 7:35-ish and ran to the gates only to find out that we weren’t even boarding
  32. So I decided I could afford to use the loo, so I went really quickly and made it back in time for boarding
  33. Boarded the plane to find out that I was going to be sat on a 12-13 hour flight next to a big man
  34. I was not in the mood to be squashed for 12 hours of my life, at all
  35. BUT LUCKILY (yes, again), a family wanted me to swap seats with them so that they could all be sat together instead of apart
  36. I accepted the offer immediately – and took the aisle seat which they offered me
  37. Sat next to two really nice people, all was good
  38. Had a decent flight home (BA isn’t all that good in comparison to Singapore Airlines (SQ) at all, except that BA had air fresheners in their loos – something SQ should incorporate), I spent most of it asleep
  39. Made it for the wake and funeral
  40. Had a long weekend filled with sadness (and moments of joy too)
  41. Now I’m here typing this all up because I can’t resist telling you this story filled with stress, luck and relief and arghh, I’m just glad the stressful period has now passed.

Wheeeeeeeeeew, what an interesting story for the next generation isn’t it?


This is my life lesson to you in a blog post, can I get an amen for that *queue the amens* – daz right.

Speak soon, love you loads,

your fave asian


First Loss

Dear Fash,

Something really shitty has happened, my grandmother just passed away.

A lot of me prior to her passing always felt that maybe it would be better for us all if my grandmother had passed away sooner rather than later – she was suffering from dementia and a series of health problems leaving her bed-ridden, which my grandmother (if without dementia) would not have liked at all.

It made sense to me then to think that my grandmother would be better off in heaven, and I was so sure that when the time came I would be prepared and even happier that she’s left for a better place rather than suffering in bed. I was so convinced that I would be fine when she left.

Obviously I wasn’t prepared, even in the slightest.

I spent a lot of time crying (as one would) and feeling absolutely lost. Having to cancel all my prior commitments because of the circumstances was new territory to me, and the process was awful. Part of me felt bloody annoyed that she’d chose to leave now when I’ve already had so many great plans lined up for myself. But really, I’m just angry that she even left.  But even so, she chose to go when I have three months left to my expiry date on my passport, which has added an extra burden on me for my travels back to Singapore – fuck my life.

I tried to surround myself with people, just to ease myself into the situation and it did help by taking my mind off the issue. But not taking all day to grieve resulted in the onslaught that followed my time alone in my room. I was in absolute shambles by the time it hit bed time, I was in tears and it took me forever to fall asleep. Even then, I spent most of the night half awake and half asleep. Now I’m awake and absolutely knackered and really not ready for the day to begin, let alone the rest of the week.

I’m flying home this afternoon and I honestly don’t know how I’m going to cope with nearly 20 hours of travelling without breaking into tears every now and then. Honestly wish I could be done with the grief already. It’s too tiring.

I’m just fucking tired and want the pain to be over now.

But, all hurt aside, I’m hoping that my grandmother is resting with the angels and in the hands of God – she should be given the amazing human being she is.

Much love,

your fave asian


Part Two of Three

Dear Fash,

Oh my days the academic year has flown by so quickly hasn’t it.

I haven’t posted much this year. A lot of it comes down to complacency, and a massive chunk of it is because I’ve been happy for a large proportion of the year, hence there was a lack of desire to rant or be pessimistic.

Still, there have been the many moments where I have been down or faced with some issues etc. Thus, now that the year has ended, I will reflect and sum up some of the many major lessons I’ve learnt this year.

On friendship:

  1. There are friendships that will come and go – and when it is time for the friendship to go, you’re best letting go if need be, because letting go may bring you peace of mind rather than holding on to a friendship that will gradually become foggier to manoeuvre in
  2. Friendships can also come from the most unexpected person, so give everyone a fair chance as much as you possibly can within your own means – I mean, who would’ve thought Ireland and I are now best friends after all the pain I felt from him last year
  3. Never ever rank your friendship based on the number of pictures you take with your friends, or the number of tags you get on facebook etc. Trust me when I tell you that measuring friendship on based on social media behaviour/posts is only a recipe for disaster – your friendship shouldn’t be what others see on the screen but it should be based on what you genuinely feel about the person and what he/she feels about the friendship


On expectations:

  1. Expect nothing, and you won’t be hurt, period. This isn’t the easiest thing to do, I still struggle to not expect anything off anyone, but without a doubt the day that I master this will be the day that I become happier
  2. Yet, set realistic expectations for yourself according to circumstances – in the academic year I’ve faced tonnes of set backs grade wise. Had I not stopped to re-evaluate my circumstances and re-plan my goals and aspirations accordingly, I reckon I would’ve crashed and burned a long time ago


On boys (I know, the last thing you’d expect from me to talk about):

  1. Never, and I mean never, go on a night out with the slightest of purpose/intent to see/flirt/interact with the person you fancy. Just don’t. Yes, it does work sometimes, but if you’re like me and is completely incapable of flirting/interacting with the opposite sex, then any opportunity will just be … shit. I say this because the one time my crush spoke to me, I replied with a ‘yes, I’m fine’ and a swift walk away from him because I was too nervous to say anything else. At any other time I see him (which is loads) I couldn’t even bring myself to speak to him at all because I get cold feet even though my heart is racing and telling me to go say hi.
  2. Therefore, don’t fancy anyone if you can help it, saves you the heartbreak and mental dilemma that comes with any attempts at trying to get to know him


So, with these three issues covered, I think I’ve covered (essentially) the main issues in my life (or at least some of the many).

I hope you’re well Fash, missing you loads and wishing you a happy summer break!

Much love,

your fave asian



Dear Fash,

This post is very different to everything else that I have posted, because this is the first post I’ve done on infatuation, or as the youths call it ‘a crush’.

So of late, I’ve noticed this one person quite a lot at uni. We had seen each other last year whilst we were in the queue to get into the club, but since then I hadn’t seen him around. But plot twist: he’s suddenly reappeared in my life this term, and I constantly run into him. I think we both seem to know that we are intrigued (for a lack of a better word to use) about one another since we see each other often but don’t actually speak, yet we don’t even try to acknowledge each other when we cross paths.

However, this could be a complete figment of my imagination out of pure desperation to want him to speak to me because I think he’s attractive. It probably is.

Oh well, as much as my fantasies are non-existent, I’m not going to deny that infatuation (deadly and creepy as it may be), is quite an exciting time in life. The last time I ever got that excited about something was Christmas when I was 6 and still believed that Santa existed.

Anyway, time to leave this phase of my 19 year-old life aside. I’ve got exams to pass.

Catch you later Fash, hope you’re enjoying this lovely weather that we’re having now.

Much love,

your fave asian



Hello Fash,

We’ve now done a full 360 and come back to sunny days in England (temporarily at least). Sadly, nothing much has changed since last year since the sun still mocks my grief.

Lovely times really.

Much love,

Your fave asian


Dear Fash,

Lately, I’ve been having troubles controlling my feelings of anxiety. I’d warrant them as anxiety issues, but I don’t think that labelling my constant anxiousness as a problem in the mental health sense would be fair to those that actually suffer anxiety on a daily basis.

For the past two weeks, I’ve been getting sporadic and random panic attacks, and I use ‘random’ in it’s fullest meaning – they come unexpected and I can’t explain to you why I get them. That is unless it is Wednesday pre-netball training sessions, in which, yes, I do get weekly panic attacks prior to training because of the fact that I still know no one in the team, and also because I’m shit at playing the sport. Otherwise, they just come when and as they please.

I certainly don’t think thats normal considering the level of activity that I’m doing: I run, play netball and squash, and once in a while do zumba. So, I am healthy, I try to eat the right foods, giving myself the odd treat every now and then (everyday); I exercise and I am generally happy, thus according to the world wide web of self-help websites and anti-anxiety and/or anti-depression pages, I shouldn’t (really) be having sporadic panic attacks since I’ve virtually taken every approach I can possibly take to prevent anxiety or feeling low. Yet, I am.

Take this very post for example: I’m writing this whilst having a panic attack over nothing. Panic just washed over me, and now I’m trapped in this situation where I don’t know what to do with myself because I’m too panicky to do my work or to focus on a movie, making it hard either to relax or be productive.

So until the panic fades out by itself, I’m just going to sit here and stare into blank space since it’s too awful outside to go for a run/walk.

Hope London is treating you well!

Your fave asian

New year, more stress.

Dear Fash,

In the week that I’ve been back, I’ve been running into stress at every turn I make. I’ve got three essays due in next week, one of them accounting for a 100% of my module. I’ve also got financial problems, which in turn led to an argument with father (so anger coupled with stress over how I’m going to survive uni without groceries). To top it all off, my best friend decided to drop the bomb on me that she’s leaving uni for the year (just to make it worse, I spend practically every day with her, so obviously I went into a frenzied panic attack over not having a friend anymore).

Clearly, the new year has greeted me with a firm slap in the face. Yay.

Usually, I’m a firm believer of God giving me things that I can handle, but today (more like this past week), I’m a firm believer that God has just piled on way to many things for me to handle – a surge of bundled up emotions that grow with every passing day, just waiting for to explode. I’m a real ticking-time bomb.

Maybe I’m just over-reacting, but either way, this stress isn’t going away and my fits of panic attacks are coming and going just like the days that fly bye without notice. That’s not to say that I’m not dealing with them well. I’ve applied for numerous amounts of jobs, I’ve also been trying to stay on top of my work, which I can say to a certain degree is looking good. Plus, I’ve not yet starved myself, but I may soon be starved seeing as I’ve actually no money for food at this current time. But, as we can see, there is still some sort of a silver-lining here right?


This has been a post for me to self-motivate myself more than anything Fash, I’m really sorry for the sob story, but I needed to let it out least I burst out in tears in the library (which is where I am now).

Anyway, I hope you are well and I honestly wish you were here to make me laugh as you always did when I was down.

Much love,

your fave asian.