Posts

Infatuation

Dear Fash,

This post is very different to everything else that I have posted, because this is the first post I’ve done on infatuation, or as the youths call it ‘a crush’.

So of late, I’ve noticed this one person quite a lot at uni. We had seen each other last year whilst we were in the queue to get into the club, but since then I hadn’t seen him around. But plot twist: he’s suddenly reappeared in my life this term, and I constantly run into him. I think we both seem to know that we are intrigued (for a lack of a better word to use) about one another since we see each other often but don’t actually speak, yet we don’t even try to acknowledge each other when we cross paths.

However, this could be a complete figment of my imagination out of pure desperation to want him to speak to me because I think he’s attractive. It probably is.

Oh well, as much as my fantasies are non-existent, I’m not going to deny that infatuation (deadly and creepy as it may be), is quite an exciting time in life. The last time I ever got that excited about something was Christmas when I was 6 and still believed that Santa existed.

Anyway, time to leave this phase of my 19 year-old life aside. I’ve got exams to pass.

Catch you later Fash, hope you’re enjoying this lovely weather that we’re having now.

Much love,

your fave asian

 

Sun

Hello Fash,

We’ve now done a full 360 and come back to sunny days in England (temporarily at least). Sadly, nothing much has changed since last year since the sun still mocks my grief.

Lovely times really.

Much love,

Your fave asian

Anxiety

Dear Fash,

Lately, I’ve been having troubles controlling my feelings of anxiety. I’d warrant them as anxiety issues, but I don’t think that labelling my constant anxiousness as a problem in the mental health sense would be fair to those that actually suffer anxiety on a daily basis.

For the past two weeks, I’ve been getting sporadic and random panic attacks, and I use ‘random’ in it’s fullest meaning – they come unexpected and I can’t explain to you why I get them. That is unless it is Wednesday pre-netball training sessions, in which, yes, I do get weekly panic attacks prior to training because of the fact that I still know no one in the team, and also because I’m shit at playing the sport. Otherwise, they just come when and as they please.

I certainly don’t think thats normal considering the level of activity that I’m doing: I run, play netball and squash, and once in a while do zumba. So, I am healthy, I try to eat the right foods, giving myself the odd treat every now and then (everyday); I exercise and I am generally happy, thus according to the world wide web of self-help websites and anti-anxiety and/or anti-depression pages, I shouldn’t (really) be having sporadic panic attacks since I’ve virtually taken every approach I can possibly take to prevent anxiety or feeling low. Yet, I am.

Take this very post for example: I’m writing this whilst having a panic attack over nothing. Panic just washed over me, and now I’m trapped in this situation where I don’t know what to do with myself because I’m too panicky to do my work or to focus on a movie, making it hard either to relax or be productive.

So until the panic fades out by itself, I’m just going to sit here and stare into blank space since it’s too awful outside to go for a run/walk.

Hope London is treating you well!

Your fave asian

New year, more stress.

Dear Fash,

In the week that I’ve been back, I’ve been running into stress at every turn I make. I’ve got three essays due in next week, one of them accounting for a 100% of my module. I’ve also got financial problems, which in turn led to an argument with father (so anger coupled with stress over how I’m going to survive uni without groceries). To top it all off, my best friend decided to drop the bomb on me that she’s leaving uni for the year (just to make it worse, I spend practically every day with her, so obviously I went into a frenzied panic attack over not having a friend anymore).

Clearly, the new year has greeted me with a firm slap in the face. Yay.

Usually, I’m a firm believer of God giving me things that I can handle, but today (more like this past week), I’m a firm believer that God has just piled on way to many things for me to handle – a surge of bundled up emotions that grow with every passing day, just waiting for to explode. I’m a real ticking-time bomb.

Maybe I’m just over-reacting, but either way, this stress isn’t going away and my fits of panic attacks are coming and going just like the days that fly bye without notice. That’s not to say that I’m not dealing with them well. I’ve applied for numerous amounts of jobs, I’ve also been trying to stay on top of my work, which I can say to a certain degree is looking good. Plus, I’ve not yet starved myself, but I may soon be starved seeing as I’ve actually no money for food at this current time. But, as we can see, there is still some sort of a silver-lining here right?

Right.

This has been a post for me to self-motivate myself more than anything Fash, I’m really sorry for the sob story, but I needed to let it out least I burst out in tears in the library (which is where I am now).

Anyway, I hope you are well and I honestly wish you were here to make me laugh as you always did when I was down.

Much love,

your fave asian.

 

Strange Monthly Affairs

Dear Fash,

Merry Christmas!

I know that I’m a couple of days late, but since Christmas lasts for 12 days, I’m not technically late in sending my well wishes am I?

I always find December and January really strange months. It’s got all sorts thrown into it: the festivities during the run-up to Christmas day i.e. the end of the school term, gift-buying and food shopping; followed by the dull-ness during the period after Christmas and before the new year; then again the excitement for new years eve, after which, on new years day, a state of confusion over what year it is, and despair over the demise of yet another year. Then comes spending all of January trying to adapt to the new year and wishing that 2016 hadn’t passed because you start to miss it so much since you’ve made all those wonderful memories then.

So as the new year is coming (tomorrow), I’m trying to mentally brace myself for yet another year of life that will be so full of transitions. A lot of which I’m not ready to handle.

In this coming year, come end of June, I will have ‘lost’ some really amazing friends. No, I’m not saying that we’ll stop being friends, what I mean is that they’re all leaving university thus, leaving me behind while they go off to fend for themselves in the real world of work.

Also, again it’s another year of uncertainty in that maybe or maybe not (touch wood though) that my gran may be taken by Our Father to finally rest in peace. I don’t know, but theres always that possibility right?

So much more to say, but I’ll stop here. Dwelling about things that are yet to happen will probably make my brain explode sooner rather than when the event happens itself.

So there, I’ve attempted to brace myself mentally for 2017 (to a certain degree at least).

Such odd periods these are for us all.

Good luck in 2017 Fash!

Much love,

Your fave asian.

 

The friend effect

Dear Fash,

Since the start of term, Ireland and I have become better friends – I definitely do not hold back with my thoughts and words with him as much as I used to. We’ve reached a nice, comfortable level in our friendship, but I’m starting to wonder whether it is too comfortable of a position in our friendship.

Last year, I was unhappy because I always felt that I wasn’t good enough to be his friend, yet, now that we’ve become (better) friends, I still feel unhappy about myself – and not because I feel like I’m not good enough to be his friend, because evidently I am good enough, if not even more.

The problem lies in my god-given ability to pick out things I don’t like in people and then bitch about it for hours on end, even if they don’t even do anything to harm or annoy me. I just seem to have the knack for being a horrible person.

This fits in with Ireland because now that we’ve established some-what solid grounds for friendship, I’ve started to bitch about the smallest of things to him, it’s like the plague, I just can’t stop. What’s bad about this is that I can easily chat absolute trash about someone that has treated me as their good friend right from day one.

That surely can’t be a good thing, it’s normal to rant about your friends every once in a while, but surely it isn’t healthy to pick out something from nothing and then bitch about it non-stop.

Although, to cut myself some slack, I haven’t actually bitched. All I said was “Oh, Kat can be quite boring on a night out because she blatantly makes it obvious that she’s doing the same dance moves over and over again.” Still, for some reason this makes me feel like a horrible person – saying something negative, even in the smallest of ways can still make me feel like a bitch.

So yes, isn’t it fascinating how not having Ireland as a friend was awful in that I felt left-out, but having him as a friend has boosted my tendencies to be a bitch. I can’t ever win with myself can I.

Sending out an SOS to anyone that can help me.

Much love,

your fave asian

Refreshers

Dear Fash,

It has been a long time since my last post, and lots have been happening with me since then!

I’ve been back to Singapore and back, and during the period of my trip home I’ve been to Malaysia three times and to Australia once – so much travelling squeezed into six weeks!

The trip home was rather interesting – it had it’s ups and downs. I saw Singapore from a newer perspective, as compared to what I used to see from when I still lived there. I saw it from an independent, grown student perspective (at least that is what I’d like to think). Seeing my friends that are still so heavily protected and sheltered by their parents shocked me – at 19, I’ve spent three years living in a completely different continent alone, adapting to the different culture and lifestyle.

I’ve grown to learn that independence isn’t just a joy ride away from home, but is a responsibility – it’s understanding that money can’t just be thrown away at every thing that I desire to have, but something that should be respected and used appropriately; saving for the rainy days. This has definitely given me a greater respect and appreciation for my parents who work so hard to provide for me while I’m still very much dependent on them.

With this in mind, speaking to my 23 year old friend whom said that she intended on living with her parents until she got married, without contributing to electricity bills while she did, shocked me.

I don’t know whether it’s unfair for me to be shocked at her words, because it does seem to be a norm in my generation whereby we don’t flee the nest until much later on in life. However, as a grown adult in the workforce that intends to live with their parents, wouldn’t you agree that you should at least contribute to your living expenses at home? Parents don’t work all their lives to pay for food and electricity bills for as long as you wish to impose on them, especially not after you’ve gotten a job, and especially because there is such a thing called ‘retirement’. Surely it should work the other way round where we start working and repay our parents for all that they’ve done for us. Am I not right? (I could be wrong though.)

But hey ho.

I’ve also learnt that living alone doesn’t entitle you to sit around and wait for life to change to suit you, but that it is about going out and finding things that make you happy. As much as I moan and bitch about how upsetting it is to live in England at times, I do think that had I never made the effort to integrate, I would not have made the friends I have now, and neither would I have participated in all the things I’ve done so far – LUSU Inbound being one of the most amazing university experiences I’ve ever had, as well as learning ballet! Something which I always wanted to take up, but was afraid of doing because everyone (especially mum) teased me about not being cut out for dance (which to be fair, I’m not but that doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy doing my crappy pliés and pirouettes).

In that sense, going home has shown me that I’ve grown to become more mature in my thinking (or more conservative, I don’t know. However, if we’re going with positives, I’ll stick to maturity). So in that sense, it has been refreshing to go home, I felt like that I not only got a break from (solitary confinement with myself in) England, but I also felt that I finally could appreciate myself more – since I could tell that I grew to become a better person than what I was when I left home – which is something I don’t do often enough.

I hope you’ve had a lovely summer, possibly one that was as enlightening as mine!

Wrap up warm for winter Fash, it’s starting to get cold!

Love,

your fave asian!