Posts

Stockholm

Dear Fash,

Firstly, congratulations on finishing university! I hope you’ve done as well as you wished to have done! I myself, am proud to announce that I will be graduating from Lancaster University (a top 10 university in the UK) with a upper second class honours in law!

Finally, one year’s worth of stress relieved. All that is left, is to find a job, which is in itself a separate post for another time.

Anyway, in celebration of my grades and the end of my education (the end of an era, sadly), I am currently on a little vacation.

Where?

In Scandanavia! I’m currently staying with a friend in Norway, and tomorrow we will be travelling in the early hours of the morning to Stockholm!

As exciting as it sounds, I am extremely nervous to travel to Stockholm despite the fact that I am travelling with a friend. I think its’ because it’s not quite the same as travelling with family – there isn’t the same sense of comfort of knowing that there is an adult present to protect you. This time, I feel like I’m literally having to fend for myself (and my friend).

*Shock-horror*

I guess being twenty-one doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re all that ready to face the big wide world ey. Or at least it doesn’t feel like it for me.

However, worries aside, I am going to be positive that Stockholm will be nothing but an adventure, and an amazing adventure even though I’m on a really tight budget and mostly now shitting myself that this is (technically) my first ever independent holiday!

So, sit tight and wait for my next update! Hopefully I’ll be able to report fun times and happy stories!

Keep your fingers crossed for me Fash, and pray that I’ll be safe and sound!

Much love,

your fave asian

 

P.S. how time flies, tomorrow marks the one year anniversary of my grandmother’s death. I hope that she is resting well with the angels and protecting my family. I miss you always and love you always PoPo!

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I am a soon-to-be-graduate

Dear Fash,

Oh my god, we’ve made it! We’re soon going to be graduates!

It has been five years coming (since my coming into the UK), and now I can finally say that I am going to be crossing the finishing line (hopefully with a 2:1 in hand too)!

I am so excited to say that I will be leaving education, finally, because I do not intend on having to sit another exam, or any exam for that matter! I am as free as Dobby the Elf … not quite.

This excitement is short-lived at best. Whilst I am ecstatic to be moving away from university and education, I am also filled with stress and fear for what is to come next.

I don’t know whether you’re feeling the same as me, but if you aren’t, I can most certainly count on the fact that many others are. Coming out with a 2:1 (hopefully) in Law will be fab, but what isn’t is that:

firstly, I don’t have a job;

secondly, I do not necessarily want a career in law;

thirdly, I do not know what I want to do, hence I do not know where to even begin my search for a job.

Funny how I can list these issues with such ease, yet the feeling that they generate have culminated in a downward spiral of emotions for me of late. I’ll let you in on a secret, and a pretty horrible one, because of these issues, for the first time ever, I’ve ever thought of possibly ending my life.

Thankfully, they’ve only been but fleeting ideas which I’ve had the mental strength within me to shut down. I am fighting the negativity away, or at least I am trying. I don’t think I’ve ever been so scared in my life – I’ve been scared of many things, but this has been a different kind of scared all together.

This fear has literally pushed me to the edge, even where I have not allowed death as an option, I’ve entertained the idea of drugs to alleviate the fear and constant worry that besets me – cammomile tea doesn’t quite hold the strength to calm me down as it used to.

Fret not, I’ve also turned down all offers to drugs. I think that despite all the temptations to go down the easy route, a lot of my body is fighting the negativity for me even if my mind doesn’t have the will power to.

This post has taken quite the turn, but I think the take away from this all is that I think there’s a fighting chance that I’ll make it out alive of this pit I am in if I hold on to that glimmer of hope long enough.

I hope you’re having an easier time than I am, and big congratulations to you for finishing your degree too!

Much love,

your fave asian

Running

Dear Fash,

So, I’ve signed myself up for a 5k run, and I’m starting to regret it because truthfully, I bloody hate running.

Yes, I’ve been running for over a year now, but running is still a pain in the arse and I hate it. I still don’t know why I do it.

I’ve just been on a “run” – note the quotation marks because really, I did a jog up to 0.6 miles, took a picture with some lambs and then jogged and walked the rest of the 1 mile home.

So it was hardly anything, but I guess still something even if it isn’t all that great of a feet. Some people don’t even run, so in comparison to them, I’m winning I guess.

That’s really all there is to say for today.

Hope you’re well!

Much love,

your fave asian.

PS, for all the runners that stumble upon this page, please advise me on how to keep going the distance/how to train my mental stamina to keep improving.

 

UPDATE: I ran the 5k in my record timing of 33mins! A personal best for me!

I wish I was a confident A-class bitch

Dear Fash,

It has been a very long time, how are you?

I don’t know where to begin if I’m being honest, it’s just been such a long time since I’ve kept you updated with my life. Yet, in true fashion my mini life crisis has brought me back to wordpress to tell you all about it.

Briefly, my life has been pretty amazing in the past couple of months. I’ve faltered many a times as humans do, but today it seem’s like I’ve faltered a bit too much within a span of a singular minute.

Shit.

In short, someone had picked me up on the fact that my insults were very inappropriate.  Here’s the context:

C and I were having our daily exchange of insults and laughs.

C then proceeds to poke me on the knee (as a joke in reference to the understanding between us both that I loathe being touched by other people).

Me: “you’re such a pedo, oh no I meant perv.”

Someone: “you need to calm down on your insults, she isn’t a pedo or a perv, there was nothing about that that was either pedo-like or perv-like.”

Me: “it’s just a joke, calm down.”

Following which, I spent the rest of the night unleashing my anger towards both Someone and C. Admittedly, I knew the whole time that I was being childish for doing so, but I couldn’t help it. Neither did I want to make a conscious effort to stop acting like a child, it felt good to listen to my inner-angst.

But I digress – I was angry that Someone told me off. In my mind, it was all fun and games, and really C knew that I was joking, so why didn’t he see that too? However, I admit that this isn’t really what the issue is, it only forms a miniscule part of the issue. For the most part, I’m really angry with him because I have a fear that what he said is right. I’m scared that his analysis of me is accurate in that I’m just a bully with my words.

It seem’s a far stretch from going from ‘it was a joke’ to ‘I am a bully’, but realistically is it too far of a stretch? Isn’t this how most bully’s behave? They take insults way too far? I think not, but then a lot of me also thinks yes. I can’t tell really. In my mind, I like to think that it was all fun and games, I really do, yet I can’t help but think that to others, I am just a bully. However, I really don’t want people to think I’m a bully – I really am not one. It’s not like I’ve intentionally called C a perv/pedo – it was used in the context of everyday teen slang since she’d been stroking and touching me. It was used in the context of our playfulness.

Ugh, I hate this whole self-conscious/self-reflective/having a conscious thing – it’s too much. All I wish to be is confident in who I am and to just ignore the critiques, even if it means being a confident A-class bitch.

Someone send me some guidance on what to do or to think, because I clearly don’t have much of an opinion of myself.

Love,

Your fave asian.

 

 

 

 

 

An honest post

Dear Fash,

Firstly, some disclaimers:
1. This is a super honest post about how I’ve been feeling for a while, so I apologise for anything explicit or unexpected from me;

2. You might have to do some research into ‘Weightlifting Fairy Kim Bok Joo’ in order to get the reference about Kim Bok Joo’s boyfriend.

Otherwise, enjoy my honest post about what I’m thinking of now, and possibly also my potential embarrassment to come as a consequence of this post.

___________________________________________________________________________________

T-minus 24 days until October and I have fuck-all of a clue as to what is to come next for me, and it scares me every day.

Let me clarify, I have a plan on how I am going to live out the next month of my summer holidays, however I do not have a plan on how I’m going to tackle third year or how I’m going to approach the new era of post-graduation.

Fuck.

I’m overacting, yes I most certainly am. However, this is a justified overreaction. Most of us with only a year left at university are probably and most certainly worried about their future – with the exception of those lucky little shits that have already secured a postgraduate job.

A lot of people say to take things as they come, and it will serve me well to do so seeing as I have a year – a full 365 days – to sort my postgraduate life out. Yet, it doesn’t seem like enough time at all seeing as I have other thoughts in mind besides my future employer.

As it stands now, these are the persisting issues that are running wild in my mind:

1.     Post-grad life.

2.     How to increase my grades from a shitty 2:2 to a 2:1.

3.     When will the tear between my vagina and anus will heal because it’s really irritating me.

4.     Whether I will find a boyfriend that will be like Kim Bok Joo’s boyfriend – because he is the dream (so much to the point that I forget his name).

5.     Sex – yes, I do very much think of it a lot. I am after all a virgin 20-year-old in a sea of non-virgins that constantly rave about how fun sex is.

This is starting to sound like a 15-year-old school girl’s prospective ‘final year at university bucket list’: 1. To graduate with an upper second; 2. To find a boyfriend that loves me so very much and; 3. To lose my virginity.

Oh God, I’m a sex-deprived and unambitious 15-year-old girl stuck in a 20-year-old body. That does not bode well for adulthood does it?

Back to the main point of my frustrations – how do I take all of these worries and overcome them?

It’s quite simple (it isn’t, I’m just simplifying issues because it’s for the best) for points 3 onwards: 1. Stop shaving your pubic hair, that way you avoid cuts; 2. Just avoid boys and sex altogether, the more you want it, the more likely you are to do something stupid with an undeserving guy.

But, points 1 and 2, not quite as easy as most people would think it to be. If you’re going to suggest studying hard – I did that exact thing for first and second year, yet I’m on a 2:2. I’m probably just not clever enough surely. Also, if you’re going to suggest applying to loads of graduate schemes/random small firms, I am looking at it. However, for the former, the minimum requirements all tend to require a 2:1; and for the latter, I’ve had work experience in small firms (or SMEs as you would have them), but I tended not to like it. There isn’t the buzz and hustle and bustle that I so very much love.

God, this is not working out for me is it?

I’m clearly too picky – I’m what they call the youth of today (or so I think I am): fussy yet lacking anything special that warrants my pickiness (I’ve just made this up, but it does ring a bell to the ‘ambitious yet lazy Gen Y’ terminology that has been reigned as my generation’s standout feature.

Hopefully the next post will be more enlightening on my future. Perhaps, I might have found something to spend my time on for my postgrad life that I’ll be excited for?

Who knows?

Much love,

Your fave asian.

Dear Fash,

Today’s post is title-less because I’ve decided it to be highly unnecessary to give a summarisation/label to the unknown reasons with regards to the anxiety that is troubling me at this very moment.

Oh, and because I don’t know why I’m feeling so anxious, I’m going to end this post here because I simply do not have anything to talk about besides the fact that I am feeling anxious but I don’t know why.

The end,

your fave asian.

 

 

 

Post ‘First Lost’

Dear Fash,

Just a continuation from my last post about my first ever proper loss of a loved one (the passing of my gran).

So, the journey home wasn’t the easiest in the slightest, although a lot of positives came from it – here’s the breakdown in point form:

  1. Got to Manchester airport ready to check-in and board the flight back to Singapore as scheduled
  2. The lady at the check-in counter flat out rejected me because my passport was not valid (my passport was three months away from expiring, and international flying regulations only will allow me to fly had my passport been six months away from expiring)
  3. Attempted to blag my way onto the flight, and failed miserably
  4. Rang my uncle, whom I then passed on to the manager on-site to again attempt to get me on the flight
  5. After which, the manager on-site told me to sort my passport out ASAP whilst she protected my ticket so that I could fly once I had a new passport
  6. Rang my uncle again, and searched for how to get a new passport within a day, and found out that I had to travel to London to get it done
  7. However, the closest appointment I could get to get a new passport would be the day after in the afternoon at 2:15pm, with a collection time of 6:15pm and then a flight (the last possible one I could get) at 9pm (meaning I had to be at Heathrow for 7pm)
  8. So, I hopped on a train to London which cost me a whopping £60 (nearly broke my heart, but it was better than the £90 that I would’ve had to pay had I not had my student discount pass with me)
  9. Got to London and had to get on the tube with my suitcase etc., which was not pleasant
  10. Did not have any data so my uncle struggled to send me the details of my hotel, and what I needed to do/prep for the appointment
  11. A lot of phone calls later, I got the address for the hotel and information on what things I needed to do
  12. Put the address into the maps app, and it took me 30 mins to get there when it should’ve taken me less than 10 mins
  13. Whilst walking, the heavens decided to open up so I spent 30 mins walking in rain, and by the time I got to the hotel, I was absolutely soaked (oh, and I desperately needed a wee too)
  14. But thank the good Lord, once I had settled myself in the room I was fine and I rang my uncle again to speak to him about the plans etc. – all good
  15. Miraculously found out that my friends were in London, so I went to meet them for dinner, after which I fell asleep peacefully in the hotel room
  16. Next morning, had breakfast and went running around Victoria to get some documents completed for my passport application, by the time I was finished I had 4 hours to spare till the appointment so I met up with my friends again
  17. Bought myself jeans from Cheap Monday in the sale for £14.20 – the original price was a whopping £70 – which made me a very happy bunny
  18. After that, I got myself back to Victoria for my appointment, and lucky for me, they let me in one hour ahead of my scheduled time
  19. Met my mum’s friend for lunch and coffee whilst waiting to collect my passport, it was a nice catch-up
  20. Collected my passport at 5pm, which was a vast improvement from the original collection time of 6:15pm (whoopie)
  21. Made a dash to the airport straight away, because the tube journey from Victoria to Heathrow isn’t the quickest
  22. Got the Heathrow to find my uncle there – he had been at the airport for 4 hours at that point. Why you ask, refer to the following point
  23. My uncle had spent all morning trying to sort my protected ticket out (remember point 5), and it turned out that BA wasn’t willing to allow me to fly from Heathrow since the original ticket was for me to fly from Manchester
  24. Shit
  25. Luckily (again), there were really nice and compassionate on-site BA managers that were willing to ignore that I hadn’t gone back to Manchester for the flight and allowed me on the next available flight out from Heathrow
  26. Lo and behold, at 7pm, I was told my the check-in desk that I was being allowed on the 7:50pm flight back to Singapore (instead of the 9pm, again praise the Lord)
  27. So I said my goodbyes and endless thank yous to my uncle and my mum’s friend, both of whom have been ever so helpful with dealing with me and the stresses of the flight and passport mishaps (all because I’m stupid and hadn’t renewed my passport on time)
  28. Rushed through customs (not really, it was painfully slow), and then to the train connection area (I flew off from terminal 5, for anyone wishing to know where I flew off from)
  29. I missed the first train connection and had to wait 5 mins for the next one, and at that point it was already 7:20, so I was pissing myself thinking that the gates would probably have closed by then, and that the staff wouldn’t let me on the plane
  30. The train finally comes, but given my twisted luck, I was only to alight at the second stop (C gates for anyone of you who can relate)
  31. Got there for 7:35-ish and ran to the gates only to find out that we weren’t even boarding
  32. So I decided I could afford to use the loo, so I went really quickly and made it back in time for boarding
  33. Boarded the plane to find out that I was going to be sat on a 12-13 hour flight next to a big man
  34. I was not in the mood to be squashed for 12 hours of my life, at all
  35. BUT LUCKILY (yes, again), a family wanted me to swap seats with them so that they could all be sat together instead of apart
  36. I accepted the offer immediately – and took the aisle seat which they offered me
  37. Sat next to two really nice people, all was good
  38. Had a decent flight home (BA isn’t all that good in comparison to Singapore Airlines (SQ) at all, except that BA had air fresheners in their loos – something SQ should incorporate), I spent most of it asleep
  39. Made it for the wake and funeral
  40. Had a long weekend filled with sadness (and moments of joy too)
  41. Now I’m here typing this all up because I can’t resist telling you this story filled with stress, luck and relief and arghh, I’m just glad the stressful period has now passed.

Wheeeeeeeeeew, what an interesting story for the next generation isn’t it?

Moral of the story: RENEW YOUR PASSPORT WAY BEFORE THE 6 MONTHS PRIOR TO ITS EXPIRY TO SAVE YOURSELF ANY FUTURE STRESS IN UNPREDICTABLE SITUATIONS.

This is my life lesson to you in a blog post, can I get an amen for that *queue the amens* – daz right.

Speak soon, love you loads,

your fave asian